writings from the past

article 1:

Hanging from a Cliff Ten Thousand Feet High
27 August 2001

Moulin Rouge said, "the greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love and be loved in return…"

Sheez.

If love is such wonderful thing, why does it bring so much heartache? Why does it cause so much pain? Why does it have to be this way?

If loving someone is the greatest thing I'll have to learn, why do I not like it even a teeny-weeny bit?

Three years have passed and I'm still here, wallowing. I'm still here, in front of my computer, typing all these emotions and wiping all these tears away. I'm still here, with all the emptiness and hollowness inside me. All these years have passed and I haven't yet moved on.

I had really inducted myself into the halls of the permanently pathetic, hadn't I?

I've had received lectures about moving on and letting go. I know it's cliché but it's really easier said than done. I don't know what keeps me holding on when I know that nothing will ever happen anymore. I don't know why I keep on waiting for him when he seems to have no intentions in going back to me. He doesn't give my any signs that I should still be hanging on to whatever there is to come. At the back of my mind, there's this little thing that tells me that there is no more to hope for.

I get it, alright? Somehow, I can fathom that things sometimes don't have clarity…on purpose or not. Somehow I do understand that there are guys who like to leave me out in the dark. And yet, somehow I know when I should stop being stupid.

Yes, I know. But I just cannot let the feeling go. I can't get up that cliff I'm hanging from.

For heaven's sake, it's been three years since he said that he would start over from the beginning. It's been a long time since he told me that maybe he should have started from being friends with me then moving on to the next step. It's been ages since he told me he loved me and when I was about to tell him that too, he couldn't care anymore.

And now, where is that "beginning" he so wanted to start? Where is that love he so clearly declared? Where are those metaphors he told me when he was trying to win me? Where are those eyes that gazed upon mine during lazy afternoons? Gone, gone, gone…

But still I can't accept the whole thing.

Was it because I realized way too late that I liked him too? Was it because I had freaked out and turned stone cold when he told me those three little words? Couldn't he understand that I am a little slow in the emotional department? Couldn't he understand that I am still immature? Couldn't he understand that it requires much effort from me just to say those three stupid words? Couldn't he understand he'd have to wait for a month just to hear those same three words coming from my mouth?

I have had so much pain seeing him drifting away as time passed by. I have cried in helplessness through all those nights. I even cried every night the whole summer before my senior year. God, why this has to be so damn painful? Why does it have to hurt like this?

For all those years I tried to forget all about it, the whole thing just added up, and it still adds up till now. I thought I had gotten over the guy, but boy, was I wrong. It has gotten into full-scale that I cannot go on and enjoy my life with other people. My interpersonal skills had dwindled down because of my fear of getting attached again. It's really agonizing to harbor feelings for somebody that you refute, and much more horrible and agonizing to realize those feelings way too late. I have indulged in this dilemma so much that I developed some phobia towards guys. In as much as I would like to turn back time so that I could say the things I had concealed, things aren't going back to the way they were. It is hard forgetting about this certain chapter in my life. It is so painful that I fear meeting the same fate again.

I guess it's true that the more I fear something, the more it troubles me. In anticipation of it, I vehemently close out on possible associations with creatures called guys for quite some time. I have tried building a wall around me, some kind of a barrier to keep out possible intruders who would just leave me hanging in the end. The possibility of having my heart ripped out of my chest again isn't so tempting anymore. Yet, the regrets never left my mind; as a matter of fact, they never let me sleep well. They even follow me in my dreams.

Once I lose something, I become scared of losing another thing again. I hide in my shell thinking that it would help me find that thing back, that it would restore everything back to the way it was. Maybe it can, for a fleeting moment. But I linger in the dark and live in fear. No matter what I do behind my barriers and my walls, it never can make me happy.

Wait a minute. Why the heck am I lamenting upon a guy who never had the guts to tell a girl he doesn't want to go on anymore? He could have save a lot of time, and effort, and tears…and heartache. He is useless. He is pathetic. He is stupid.

But no matter what I tell myself about his lack of clarity, I will not be able to move on if I don't act upon it myself. I mean, everything really depends on me, right? I've been telling myself, no, pushing myself to get over this puny little stupid thing and move on with my life. But I just can't. I guess something been really holding me back. Maybe it's that fact that nothing is resolved still up to this moment.

Come to think of it, I haven't really said everything I wanted to say to him. And he haven't really told me the reason why he suddenly stopped in the middle of nowhere and left me hanging from a cliff ten thousand feet high. And I guess those are just some of the things I need to close this chapter. I need to tell him that he was so cruel and mean when he halted just like that. I need to tell him of all the horrors I had to go through because of him. I need to tell him of all the identity crises I went through during my depression. I need to tell him about all those nights I should have spent doing productive things if he hadn't broken my heart. I know I shouldn't let regrets and hatred eat up my self-worth because it will only lead me to a life of pain and torture, which can indeed drive anyone, especially me, crazy.

But I don't have the courage to do that just yet. I don't think it's time yet. Every time I see him, I feel great remorse and hatred at the same time. Regrets because I should have told him earlier about my feelings and loathing because he hadn't given much time to make my decision. And if this is what I feel, I cannot face him yet.

Facing him is the hardest part of it all. But what I can do is to put in my mind that life is all about pain and frustration with a little smudge of bliss scattered somewhere. Many things are yet to come and wreck havoc in my existence. But one thing is for sure; a reason exists for everything that's been happening to me. That reason may not be too easy to understand and accept, but whatever that may be, I just have to believe that this thing happened to make me stronger. Somehow, situations like this post a turning point in one's life. It's a matter of one's decisive skills whether he or she will remain hanging and waiting for someone who isn't coming anymore. Will I decide to climb up and walk towards safety? Will I decide to keep on holding on to that part of the cliff?

I know that all I have to do is decide if I should remain hanging or not. I know that I should just clear things up and I can move on with my life. I guess I'll just have to wait till I'm ready. And when that time comes, I'll be glad everything happened and I'll be thankful for all the things I had learned. I'll just pray that that time comes before I lose my grip and fall ten thousand feet high.



In memory of the soon to be buried Cliff Hanger
27 August 2001
TaL

AUTHOR'S NOTES:
I'm glad everything happened and I'm thankful for all the things I had learned. I guess after more than two more years since this article was written, things have already changed and I myself was surprised as to how I managed to lift myself up and walked towards flat land.