say hello to the walking contradiction

i am (or should be) currently in the climax of my pseudo-academic life, where i will be mercilessly quizzed and tested about the things that i had learned in the past 5.5 years of my life; not exactly put those things in practice though, bummer. anyway, in less than a month, i will be taking the ece licensure examinations. i should be focusing all my energy, my whole being, my chakra, in all its entirety on three subject matters that could literally spell my doom: communications, electronics and good ol' math.

but what am i doing? after about a year of being stagnant, after a year of literally having a pseudo-writer's block, i now find myself writing nonstop about everything and absolutely just about anything that would come to mind. i can now just yap and blabber about whatever it is that i'm currently thinking. i find myself putting words on paper (or into a series of 1's and 0's to be encoded and decoded by the computer), spewing out verses and seeing things in such an otherworldly way as if there's no tomorrow. i find myself thinking and reciting artsy-fartsy nonsense in my head like there's no board exam waiting around the corner, biding its time until it's the right moment to put my head under the gallows. or the smasher, either of which doesn't anymore matter. same difference. it's still my head at stake.

i know i should be thinking of antennas, wave propagation, satellite communications, logarithms, microwave stuff, waveguides, physics, AC and DC circuits, related rates, calculus, and other geeky stuff right now; not of rhyming words and melodramatic sentences. not of how beautiful the setting sun was this afternoon. not of the uncanny way i've produced another nonsense congregation of words while sitting on my bed and supposedly solving through the review books. and definitely not of the fact that i've been pretty productive in writing during the past couple of months than i was the whole of 2004.

say hello to the walking contradiction.

i am panicking, entirely afraid of what the results will be. i cannot concentrate fully on reviewing because there are lots and lots of distractions (american idol is one teehee). i am panicking. and awfully stressed. and the only thing that i can think of to calm myself is to write nonsense like this.

and yet i should be spending that time on studying instead, not blabbering about seemingly useless ideas and wordy stuff. i should be bothering myself with numbers, not with words; with equations, not with phrases. i should be thinking of facts and transmission standards, not of the beautiful things that comprise my parallel universe.

but how, how on earth will i be able to study if i'm panicking? if i've got another anxiety attack coming up? if i suddenly find myself pacing back and forth along the length of the room? thank goodness, cara's asleep, i can't pace anymore, lest i step on her.

say hello to the walking contradiction.

i said i was addicted to planning everything in my life. but right now, i'm kinda lost. i don't know what to do anymore. i have to study, i have to study, i have to study. but i don't want to. i don't want to. i don't want to. oh holy crapola! what am i gonna do?


took the pre-board in math this morning. i literally sucked. and to think i studied my butt off the last three days. what a bummer.

another contradiction: i just realized lately that i hate math. yeah, i graduated from an engineering course but i really, really, really, really hate math.