daily ramblings of a 20-something yuppie who wants to be a bum. nonsense babbles about working, missing college, basketball, the seattle storm and life in general.

3/22/2005

23 things i learned last year

[1] sprains, falls, and injuries can happen anytime of day, any day of the year. no matter how you avoid them, they still happen. like some other things that are totally out of your control. everything happens for a reason. don't bother worrying about them. they just happen anyway.

[2] death doesn't choose when it will arrive, who it will take, and how the process would transpire. anybody can just go, right this minute, tomorrow or next week.

[3] "you take away my heroes, can you take away my pain?" - dream theater. there will always be a time when people you look up to will disappoint you and leave you disillusioned. but heroes may they be, they are still human. and all humans do make mistakes sometimes.

[4] "people are inherently good" - still trying to hold on to this one. yes, people are inherently good even if only a miniscule amount of good is embedded in their being.

[5] my faith has exponentially disintegrated. i know i'm bound and supposed to do something about it soon, but my mind is currently in chaos. still, no excuse can be offered to make up for the decay nor the blame put on anything or anyone other than me.

[6] saying "sorry" is rewarding eventhough it is really hard to say, especially for a person equipped with a gigantic pride like me. saying "sorry" used to sound foreign to me, but now it is slowly becoming natural. it's not really that hard to ignore my pride.

[7] i still can't handle disappointment. it depresses me and when i get depressed, i tend to pull people's moods towards my own. i have to learn how not to expect too much from people, that way the disappointment wouldn't be too huge to bother me and turn me crazier than i currently am.

[8] anger management - does anyone know where i can get a crash course?

[9] whenever i feel like my life is slipping through my fingers, there's always a core support group that i can bother. they know who they are.

[10] ped xing is not a wealthy chinese businessman advertising and campaining for the next local elections in manila (there happens to be a lot of ped xing signs along españa). ped xing is actually the cousin of railroad xing -- an american indian chinoy who is very fond of dilapidated trains. boplax tina.

[11] i am an acoustic person by heart. but i can swing by any genre from time to time. last week i was hooked on rock after watching jack black's movie. last month i was listening to gregorian. from time to time i would dabble in classical. i can handle the oldies and after the boards, i'm gonna search audio files of billie holiday and nina simone. but nevertheless, i always go back to acoustic.

[12] the strongest, tallest team doesn't necessarily win the tourney. the l.a. sparks (blech!) had last season's best w-l record in the wnba. they had the diva, lisa leslie, who despite being a world-class bi**h is a hell of a player. if only she'd shut her mouth, she'd be so much likeable. but anyway, seattle had a stroke of luck (sac monarchs beat sparks, seattle storm beat monarchs and ct sun), had lauren jackson and sue bird (unbelievable tandem), had great coaching staff (hail first woman coach to win wnba title), and a great support cast. seattle storm won the finals and i rejoiced. halleluiah!

[13] there are geniuses and there are those who survive through pure luck, blood and toil, tears and sweat, sleepless and torturous nights, and sheer unadulterated effort. i belong to the second category.

[14] i still hate changes. there is no such thing as a subtle change to me. changes are designed to shatter the seemingly perfect ordered chaos of my universe.

[15] people move on and get on with their lives. what you were before is not what you are today and may not be what you'll be tomorrow. we all have our own lives to live and be angsty about. people move on and get on with their lives, whether or not i'm part of them.

[16] friends come and go. it depends on me who i want to keep and who i have to let go. it depends on me if i would just keep standing still and let people pass me by. it depends on me if i would soon flag them down and ask them to stay. until then the question won't be "will they stay?" but "will i always let people go away?"

[17] not all people will like you. so stop pretending you're someone that you're not. you can always do that in your imagination anyway. also, not all people will agree with you, so cherish those who do and respect those who don't.

[18] i am a walking contradiction. i am an angsty melodramatic headache grown to life and yet i despise my migraines. i spew out nonsense and pretend like it's brainfood when i should be improving my state of mind. i squeeze my gray matter dry in order to produce numbers but words appear instead.

[19] stars can be reached, galaxies can be crossed. it all just really depends on proper motivation and tireless gut-wrenching work, both of which i seem to have little of.

[20] cutting myself was a very stupid and infantile thing to do. i know i'm masochistic but i should soon put it inside my cranium that i should stop blaming and hurting myself for the deeds done by other people. yes, it could avoid conflict but it could be very well the start of my self-destruction.

[21] "childhood is short and maturity is forever" - calvin and hobbes. i'm living my childhood now after missing out on it when i was still legitimately a kid. and i don't really have any desire yet to go get out there and get trampled by the maturity of it all.

[22] "i am cookie dough...i'm not done baking. i'm not finished becoming whoever the hell it is i'm gonna turn out to be. i make it though this, and the next thing, and the next thing, and maybe one day i turn around and realize...i'm ready. i'm cookies. i'm done." - buffy the vampire slayer, final episode, final season.

[23] lastly, no matter how childish, bratty, unreasonable, insensitive i can be, there are some people who'll always be there for me. i may not be perfect and i may fail tremendously, and yet there are people who are willing to stick it out with me. and so the fear of being alone should be cast away, because there's always someone who's willing to stay.

3/19/2005

gone

she opens her eyes with much ado.
she hates the coming of another morning,
the sun is up, another day starts anew,
time again to join the world of the living.

she stands there by the curb,
random people pass her by.
completely apathetically disconnected
and yet she never even bothered why.

she tries to lend her ears to the sound
that resonates not for her to hear.
tries so hard but fails to connect
she and this world just won't intersect.

she opens her eyes to see
the images turning gray and blurry.
she allows herself a pinprick to feel,
still everything doesn't feel real.

come night, as soon as her eyes close,
her mind travels instantly
into another world, another universe,
a world her soul craves for hungrily.

psychedelic colors around her twirl
mountains, skyscrapers combine in a swirl.
there, everything is for her to feel,
in her world, everything is just so real.

but mornings come, they always do;
and again she stirs, opens her eyes,
another day to go through
the motions that she so despises.

once again standing there watching by,
entirely disconnected yet uncannily calm.
she never really needed to wonder why,
she lives, dwells in another realm.

entirely disconnected, seeing things from afar,
she stares placidly til the day is done.
night time comes, a welcome refuge,
and then she's gone...instantly she's gone.



the outside world beckons...

yet again. had another job exam this afternoon and my black boots are totally killing my feet. good luck pa sa min nung hinahanap namin ang orient square.

elai couldn't believe it was mervz who was gone. ang text kasi sa min ng erg, kuya merwin, eh inisip niya kuya, as in kuya niya. eh pero nga, matanda na nga kami sa org no. tas while we were memorizing the coaching notes, we were chatting about him. i had to describe him pa kasi hindi niya mapagtugma na si mervz nga yun. "mahaba hair, astig, magaling magsoccer, mabait, parating bumabati..."

elai was shocked and she stared to nowhere for a few minutes...

sana kung nasan man si mervz, masaya na siya...isang buhay na naman ang nasayang sa ka-gwakanangshetan ng mga demonyong nananaksak na yan.

3/12/2005

talk.speak.whatever.

talk to me about the craziness of kismet
talk to me about the inner workings of fate
talk about what really brought us here
talk about both our minds' current state.

tell me about bad luck and karma,
tell me about getting back at someone.
tell me it's a vicious cycle and it's useless,
tell me it'll just put me back to square one.

speak to me of destiny, of what's in store
speak of things to look forward to in the future.
speak to me of the reason behind all of this,
i won't question you on how you can be so sure.

speak to me about angst, about anger,
speak to me of suffering and never-ending pain
speak to me about how hard it truly is
to just live on and on and still getting no gain.

talk to me about dreaming for more
talk about going for the top, gunning for gold.
tell me when to stop, tell me to listen,
tell me when to quit and do as i'm told.

speak to me of joy and of sadness,
nothing short of depression and of gladness.
speak to me, no more, no less,
of the thin line between sanity and madness.

talk about the silly connivance of things,
talk about weird and uncanny circumstances.
talk about the most foolish things, and scold me,
i seem to be doing those in recurring instances.

talk to me, tell me about something;
speak to me of nothing and of everything.
i resign myself from now on to listening,
just talk to me, speak to me, i'm begging.



written on account of my realization that i may be driving away the people around me with my nonstop blabbering about everything that comes to my mind. you see i don't normally open up, but when i find someone i am entirely comfortable with, someone i can tell those itsy-bitsy pieces of nutty thoughts i sometimes have, i just can't stop. i'm really sorry if i do interrupt you when you're talking about something. it's not intentional and i mean well. and well, that's just how i am.

3/10/2005

say hello to the walking contradiction

i am (or should be) currently in the climax of my pseudo-academic life, where i will be mercilessly quizzed and tested about the things that i had learned in the past 5.5 years of my life; not exactly put those things in practice though, bummer. anyway, in less than a month, i will be taking the ece licensure examinations. i should be focusing all my energy, my whole being, my chakra, in all its entirety on three subject matters that could literally spell my doom: communications, electronics and good ol' math.

but what am i doing? after about a year of being stagnant, after a year of literally having a pseudo-writer's block, i now find myself writing nonstop about everything and absolutely just about anything that would come to mind. i can now just yap and blabber about whatever it is that i'm currently thinking. i find myself putting words on paper (or into a series of 1's and 0's to be encoded and decoded by the computer), spewing out verses and seeing things in such an otherworldly way as if there's no tomorrow. i find myself thinking and reciting artsy-fartsy nonsense in my head like there's no board exam waiting around the corner, biding its time until it's the right moment to put my head under the gallows. or the smasher, either of which doesn't anymore matter. same difference. it's still my head at stake.

i know i should be thinking of antennas, wave propagation, satellite communications, logarithms, microwave stuff, waveguides, physics, AC and DC circuits, related rates, calculus, and other geeky stuff right now; not of rhyming words and melodramatic sentences. not of how beautiful the setting sun was this afternoon. not of the uncanny way i've produced another nonsense congregation of words while sitting on my bed and supposedly solving through the review books. and definitely not of the fact that i've been pretty productive in writing during the past couple of months than i was the whole of 2004.

say hello to the walking contradiction.

i am panicking, entirely afraid of what the results will be. i cannot concentrate fully on reviewing because there are lots and lots of distractions (american idol is one teehee). i am panicking. and awfully stressed. and the only thing that i can think of to calm myself is to write nonsense like this.

and yet i should be spending that time on studying instead, not blabbering about seemingly useless ideas and wordy stuff. i should be bothering myself with numbers, not with words; with equations, not with phrases. i should be thinking of facts and transmission standards, not of the beautiful things that comprise my parallel universe.

but how, how on earth will i be able to study if i'm panicking? if i've got another anxiety attack coming up? if i suddenly find myself pacing back and forth along the length of the room? thank goodness, cara's asleep, i can't pace anymore, lest i step on her.

say hello to the walking contradiction.

i said i was addicted to planning everything in my life. but right now, i'm kinda lost. i don't know what to do anymore. i have to study, i have to study, i have to study. but i don't want to. i don't want to. i don't want to. oh holy crapola! what am i gonna do?


took the pre-board in math this morning. i literally sucked. and to think i studied my butt off the last three days. what a bummer.

another contradiction: i just realized lately that i hate math. yeah, i graduated from an engineering course but i really, really, really, really hate math.

3/03/2005

kakaibang lungkot

kakaibang lungkot ang bumabalot sa akin ngayon. kakaibang pakiramdam na hindi ko mawari kung saan nagsimula at kung ano ang dahilan. may isang prominenteng kawalan ang nagbabadyang lumamon sa natitirang hibla ng kasiyahan na nitong mga nakaraang araw lang ay aking pinanghawakan.

kakaibang lungkot itong unti-unting tumutupok sa akin. at hindi ko maintindihan kung ano ang implikasyon nito. nag-ipon-ipon na rin siguro. pagod, sakit, mga problemang hindi ko napapansin, ang pagbaba ng tingin ko sa sarili ko bigla. yun at iba pang bagay na unti-unting humihila sa akin pababa.

nakakatawa. nitong mga nakaraang araw iniisip kong magsulat ng isang masayang entry kasi panay na lang senti ang mga sinusulat ko. isang masayang entry lang, pwede na. sinubukan kong gumawa noong isang araw.

pero ang siste, puro kamalasan na lang ata ang inabot ko. ngayon, iniisip ko na parang ang lahat ng mga bagay sa buong mundo nagtutulong-tulong para hindi ako maging masaya. umaga pa lang ng biyernes, late na ako nagising. late na nga, nauntog pa ko sa banyo. late na nga, ang tagal pang dumating ng fx papuntang morayta. pagdating ko sa review center, nakakainis at math pa ang exam, wala na naman akong alam. kinagabihan kela rhea, nagswimming pa ko sa semento at natakot akong baka napilay ang siko ko. siyempre, hindi maaaring hindi sumakit ang kanang hinlalaki ko. buong buhay ko na ata sasakit yun eh. buong katawan ko ata mababali na. ang saya-saya, di ba?

nagtuloy-tuloy pa hanggang sa susunod na araw ang kamalasan.iniisip ko tuloy, the whole universe must've been conspiring against me. naramdaman kong wirdo yung araw na yun. maraming mangyayaring masama. at oo nga, tumpak. ilang minuto sa first quarter ng laro namin, umikot ako nang mali at sa isang iglap, biglang nag-iba ang position ng paa ko at bigla itong nag-fold. bagsak ako siyempre. sino ba naman ang hindi mapapaupo nun? pusanggala, sprain na naman. lahat na lang ng laurin ko may nangyayari sa akin. magchess na lang kaya ako?

pero hindi yun yun eh. hindi naman ako naapektuhan talaga ng mga sakit sa katawan. hindi naman ata yun ang dahilan kung bakit para akong nakalubog sa kawalan ngayon. at hindi ko na to maintindihan. pero siguro nga kasi ganun ang buhay. akala mo ayos ang lahat, akala mo walang problema. pero wag ka, bigla na lang may mangyayaring mali at sunod-sunod na yan, parang domino. isang pangyayaring sa tingin mo ay trivial lamang, isang maliit na bagay ang makakapagsimula ng pagguho ng mundo mo. at bago mo pa madiskubreng sira na pala ang mundo mo, tapos na, gumuho na ito.

kakaibang lungkot. pero siguro kasalanan ko naman ang lahat. oo, pakiramdam ko parati kasalanan ko ang lahat. kung nalulungkot man ako ngayon, siguro dahil hindi sapat lahat ng mga ginagawa ko. kung nasasaktan man ako ngayon, siguro nga kagagawan ko rin naman to eh. kung pakiramdam ko nag-iisa ako, dahil na rin siguro naiiwan ko ang mga taong parating nariyan para sa akin. kung pakiramdam ko wala akong kakampi, siguro dahil hinayaan kong lumayo ang mga parating kumakampi sa akin. kung pakiramdam ko galit sa akin ang buong mundo, malamang lang may ginawa akong masama para magalit ang lahat sa akin.

kakaibang lungkot. kakaibang lungkot ang bumabalot sa buo kong katauhan. kakaibang pakiramdam na hindi ko alam kung ano ang ibig sabihin at kung ano ang pinagmulan ng lahat ng ito.

kakaibang lungkot ngunit ano nga ba ang aking magagawa? kung sapat lang ang sorry, kung sapat lang ang pagpapakumbaba. kung sapat lang ang panalanging sana ang mga bagay-bagay na mali ay hindi ko na magawa. kung sapat lang talaga, hindi naman magkakaganito. kung sapat na nga ang mga yun, mapapawi naman ang kakaibang lungkot na ito. kung sapat lang sana... kung sapat lang sana pero sa tingin ko hindi yun papasang "pwede na"...kung sapat lang sana hindi ako ngayon parang nag-iisa...



standstill it seems where we are.
crossroads, doubts, uncertainties.
the happy days seem indeed so far.
feels so shattering, feels like love is war.
we may both end up with scars,
feels like we may never reach the stars.

standstill i am but drowning.
i fall flat to the ground but it feels like i’m hanging.
silence between us but it’s deafening.
happy we seem but not rejoicing.

at this confusing point we stand,
like always I’m holding your hand.
i’m missing the jitters
i’m missing the exhilaration.
somehow I’m missing everything,
everything i have had with you.

but when i glimpsed to my side
you’re still with me i come to see
makes it easier for me to decide
whether or not to stay by your side.

all things leave me as i am
clueless, stupid, useless
coz I don’t know if you still want me.

love is like war.
sometimes we win, sometimes we don’t.
but still the same
we both end up with scars.

yell at me.

be furious.

get angry.

coz I’m useless…
stupid…
worthless…

i am no good to you.

but then i have summoned enough courage
to say i still want you
and you’re still the one.

standstill i am but i’m drowning.
i fall flat to the ground but i’m still falling.
silence sure is deafening...

standstill.
standstill, idle we linger…
until i know if you still want me.

standstill.
standstill, idle we remain…
until i know if i’m still the one.

tell me, am i still the one?

i am a dreamer

i am a dreamer.

i just realized that lately and i'm pretty sure that most of my friends don't know that about me. i don't blame them. i rarely open up and i mostly keep to myself. i don't let anyone just peek through that tiny crack that i sometimes unknowingly open to reveal the storm and the calm that hides within me.

i live in a parallel universe.

it is a safe, nice world where crushes never end and hearts are never broken. the role models that i've put on a golden pedestal don't show any signs of falling apart and are hell-bent of proving to themselves and to the whole world that they are not human; as a matter of fact, they are way, way above that. it is a world where the characters say things the way i would fashion a dialogue. it is a world where the people behave according to my liking. it is a world where the conflicts are minimal and are mostly resolved through thorough discussions, not through violence, not through shouting sprees.

i dwell on the make-believe.

the world is too jaded for me to be happy. i make up stories and i immediately outline some stories whenever i witness something in the real world that i want to change. i tend to imagine people in different contexts, different circumstances; i tend to imagine how they would react to something and i would change those reactions to conform with how i i want those people to be. there are a lot of story outlines currently stored in my computer. sadly though and because of unknown reasons, i mostly lose enthusiasm in the middle of writing and i never finish anything.

i am an idealistic realist.

yes, i indeed am. i never fancied myself to be an idealist as reality had weathered down my inherent childlike innocence. i don't consider myself a realist either because once in a while, i would still believe that no matter how evil some people are or no matter how grim the circumstances may be, people in general are still inherently good and all circumstances happen for a certain reason. i pray that i would get a job where i would grow in mind and in spirit, where my intellectual growth would be tremendous and it wouldn't matter to me if the pay isn't that much lucrative. but i also realize that in order to help my family, i'd have to settle for a job that i would probably hate and be contented with it as long as it brings food on the table and pays for the tuition of my siblings.

i am a dreamer.

but i don't show that to the world surrounding my physical body. i dwell in my parallel universe to escape the harsh realities of life. i am a dreamer but reality has a way of knocking some sense into my head most of the time. reality has a way of waking me up and it's never subtle nor considerate. and then the closet dreamer in me vanishes, leaving me weary, overly stressed, eternally afraid and so un-ready to face the big, bad and scary world. screw reality.




written this morning while listening to the lecturing giving the answers to this day's electronics refresher exam. i found myself dreaming of earning some high honors and reality kicks me in the behind and reminds me that i have less than a month left. this sucks.

>> if landing the top place in the board exams means gunning for gold, then i feel something like i won't even get to pass the qualifying matches. argh.